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LA FIANZA, 

(A COMIC OPERA.) 

IN TWO ACTS, 

BY , 

BERT W. BALL. 



/ 

Music by Willard Patten. 



Scene : 
Act I. The Pampas Jungle near Havana. 

Act II. Havana Flats Telephone Exchange. 




MINNEAPOLIS \ 

1889. 



Ts u r 



CHARACTERS. 

PENELOPE, Mortgaged to the Duke, but in love 

with Krem White. 

COLORADO MADURO,. . . .Foielady at Havana Flats. 

PHILOPCENA, ) 

y Telephone Operators. 

GERALDINA, ) 

KREMNITZ WHITE, Artist, lover of Penelope. 

VAN DYKE BRDWNE,... Artist, lover of Philopoena. 

SENOR RUBENS, Teacher of Art Class. 

NICOLINI NICOTINI,. . . .Proprietor of Havana Flats, 

father of Penelope. 

MY DUKE CAMEO, Very ri'ch, and holds the 

Mortgage. 

LIGNEOUS COMANCHE, A Pop Corn Man. 

Art Students and Telephone Operators. 

Entered according to Act of Congress in the year 1889, by Bert 
W. Ball, in the office of the Librarian of Congress at iVasMugton, 



TMP92-008593 



ACT I. 

Enter Senor Rubens, Van Dyke Brotvne and students, upper 
entrance, ivith easels, <&€., set them down in semi-circle and come to 
front. Mark time. 

Cho. So jolly and gay, we spend the day, 

With jocular laugh we jest and chaff; 
With jingle in g rhyme we put in the time; 
Bohemians every one. 
{Open umbrellas at chord. Whir^'umbrellas.) 

We aim to impart the true high art; 
Immortalize the azure skies; 
In meadow and field our brushes we wield; 
Bohemians out for fun. 

{Umbrellas over shoulders.) 

Merry hearts that know no sorrow, 

Care thrown all aside, 

Never thinking of a gloomy to-morrow. 

We're companions and are all in harmony allied 

Fraternally we roam. 
{Whirl umbrellas.) 

We've painted the trees with graceful ease, 

We never will shirk the artist's work, 

And every man as best he can 

{Stop umbrellas.) 

Interpolates the classical configurations 
Of our sunny Cuban home. 

— ( Whirl umbrellas.) 

Soho, soho, soho, soho ! 

Then here's to our Cu-ban home. 

{Stop umbrellas.) 

Soho, soho, soho, soho, 

Then here's to our bright and sunny Cuban 
Home. 



Van (to Seiior.) 

Since early morn we've made our way, 

Now to noon has grown the day; 

Where is the subject we're to paint, 

Quick ! where is it ere we faint ? 
Cho. 

Quick ! where is it ere we faint ? 

Where is it ere we faint ? 
Senor {to Van.) 

High art and decoration 

I would cram into each noddle; 

But this desert situation ! 

Where shall we find, shall we find a model ? 
Cho. 

\ T. Ah ! He would cram into each noddle 
{ B. He would cram each noddle 
T. Art, high art and decoration. 
B. Art and decoration. 

But oh! he finds no model 

In this desert situation. 
Senoe. I find no model; 
Cho. He finds no model; 

Senor. I find no model ; 
Cho. He finds no model. 

{Enter Ligneo^is with clothes basket, pop corn, popper, stove, <&c 
Shouts.) 

LiG. Fresh buttered pop corn ! 

Cho. Wow ! 

Van {to Lig.) 

Now thats just like you. Always springing that 
that horrible ejaculation on a defenceless man just as he 
has composed himself to something else, {to hoys and 
Senor.) Why, last week I was lighting my cigar on tho 
Grand Plaza and {to Lig.) you sprang that remark on 
me so suddenly that I threw away the cigar and put the 
match in my teeth. Say, now, I don't like it! It jars 
ones nerves, now don't it boys ? 



All. {Threaten Lig.) Severely! Sure! Decidedly! &c. 
Senor. There boys, there; he means no harm I'm sure. 
{to Lig.) But why do you ply your vocation thus re- 
motely in the jungle away from the busy marts of trade? 
Lig. I am lonesome. I have been snubbed by every 
passer by and I long to hide my weary head in the lap 
of exogenous cacti and be sweetly lulled to rest by the 
glu-glu's song. 
All. Wow ! 

Lig. Yet I am a philosopher 

Van. You look it. 

Lig. And can find companionship with the crawly 

hunting case terrapin, the open-faced alligator and the 

stem winding anaconda. And even my own pop corn 

is companionable, for it is singularly human. Did it 

ever strike you so? 

Senoe. Well, no. How do you figure it ? 

{Crosses to C and sets doicn stove and basket and gets an ear of 
corn and popper.) 
Lig. Allow me and I'll make it clear. 

1. A boy until his whiskers grow 
Is like corn on the cob, 

Cho. Is like corn on the cob, 

Lig. He may be reared in plenty 

But he can't play hob; 
Cho. He can't play hob while on the cob, 

Lig. For still he's only pop corn, 

Unshelled pop corn, 

Pop corn on the cob. 
Cho. But still he's only pop corn, 

Unshelled pop corn, 

Pop corn on the cob. 

Lig. {Shells corii in ])(tn.) 

2. Soon he severs from the cob like corn. 
Corn shelled in the pan, 

Cho. Corn shelled in the pan, 



LiG. And he smokes the deadly cigarette 

And ex-pec-to-rates like a man ; 
Cho. Rates like a man. 

LiG. But still he's only pop corn 

Fresh shelled pop corn, 

Still he's only pop corn shelled in the pan. 
Cho. But still he's only pop corn, 

Fresh shelled pop c rn, 

Still he's only pop corn in the pan. 
{Over the stove.) 
LiG. H. He falls in love, and Cupid then 

Holds him over the lire ; 
Cho. Holds him over the fire; 

LiG. And roasts him just because 

To a maid he does aspire; 
Cho. And roasts him just because 

He does aspire. 
LiG. But still he's only pop corn, 

Half roasted pop corn 

Roasting o'er the fire. 
Cho. But still he's only pop corn, 

Half roasted pop corn. 

Pop corn roasting o'er the fire. 
{Shakes popper.) 
LiG. 4. How tenderly "she" watches while 

Round and round he's flopped, 
Cho. Round and round he is flopped, 

LiG. And rushes to his outstretched arms 

The moment that he has popped, 
Cho. When he has popped. 

{Pause here. Corn pops.) 

LiG. For now he's more than pop corn, 

He's full popped corn, 

Fresh buttered pop corn. 

Fully popped pop corn. 
{Enter Kreni White, 1st F., sets easel down with others at P end- 
Stands moodily leaning on his easel.) 



LiG. AND Oho. Yes, now he's fully popped corn, 

Nice hot pop corn, 

Fresh buttered pop corn, 

Pop! Pop! Pop! 
Senok. Ah ha ! my dear pupils, here is a model for us. 
{to Lig.) Sir, what recompense do you demand for an 
hour's time? 

Lig. (Aside) He means me? Not likely, but I will 
approach him diplomatically. (To Senor) I beg, kind 
sir, that you will not jest with me on such a subject as 
money. 

Senor. Nay, good friend, my pupils here and I have 
wandered this livelong morning in search of a model or 
suitable scenery. We have found neither, and now, 
worn out and footsore with much travel, we fain would 
ask you to consider a proposition, that is, to make terms 
with us for an hour's sitting. 

Lig. (Aside) What! pay me for sitting still? Has the 
Millenium struck me ? Oh, what a snap; I'll work it. 
(Aloud.) My time is valuable gentlemen, what is your 
best cash offer, subject to the usual 30 days? 
Van. It is glory enough old chap, to behold yourself 
immortalized inch by inch on our canvass s. What 
greater boon could you ask? 

Lig. Yes, I know youQg fellow, it must be a land-office 
privilege; but glory will not buy base ball tickets nor 
keep the kids in shoes, (to Seiior) But, old man, if you 
will give me forty cents bonus, I will form a pop corn 
trust with myself and stipulate that you shall buy all 
the pop corn I have on hand and all that I can pop while 
undergoing the operation. 
Senok. Well, boys ? 
Aiiii. Take him up. 

Senor. My good mau; we accept your proposition, pro- 
vided that you do not bull the market on prices. 
Lig. Oh certainly not, only current quoted prices shall 



8 

prevail. Be it so. (seats himself, etc.) If you have any 
little suggestions as to my position you are at liberty to 
advance them and I will endeavor to comply as nearly 
as possible. 

(Senor poses him. Students arrange themselves for paintincj.) 

1st Student. A little more to. the shadow. 

•2nd S. Your right foot over a little. 

Van. Hold up your head. 

Senoe. a little more action in spine. 

1st S. Back a little. 

2ad S. Look down. 

Van. Nose to the left. 

Senok. Cross your feet. 

All. Now look pleasant! 

{Begin to study model.) 

LiG. Hold on ! 

Senob. What's the matter? 

{Lig. whispers to Senor ivho hands bottle and holds umbrella 
over him. Sighs.) 
LiG. Ah! that's better. I always prefer to be drugged 

before going into action. 

{Lig. pops corn over stove. Senor stands at his side to instruct.) 

Senor. Attention all my pupils dear, 

We've got the projjer pose; 

First block the shape of either ear, 

Then daub around the uose. 
Stds. Now we've blocked and shaped the ear; 

Now daub we round the nose; 
Senor. Now draw his eyebrows carefully. 

And shade beneath the chin. 

And work the squint in either eye, 

Then paint his cheek bones in. 
Stds. Now we've squinted both his eyes, 

Now work his cheek bones in. 
Senor. Now paint his auburn sun-kissed hair 

Quite free like scrambled eggs, 

And trace along his frame so spare, 

And work adown his legs. 



9 

Stds. We've traced along his frame so sjjare, 

And worked adown his legs. 

iSenor goes behind students and suddenly grabs White's canvass 
and turns it around to audience.) 

Senoe. What's this I see ! Can these things be ! 
Kbem. {Rising and wildly throwing down tools.) 

Oh, spare my blushes kind Senor, 

Spare me. Ye gods 

I cannot paint these things; 

I cannot study pop corn men. 

My love must soar on ambient wings 

And paint I must my darling Pen, 

Penelope. Penelope. 

I'll paint my dear Penelope. 
Trio Van, Lig and Senoe. 

What does he say ? 

What's that says he ? 

His own true love, Penelope ? 

Sen. and Lig. Cho. 

He cannot study His love Penelope. 

Pop corn men Penelope. 

He cannot study He paints 

Pop corn men. Penelope. 

He cannot study pop corn men! 

He paint his love Penelope. 
Keem. Yes comrades, fellow students, my brush re- 
fuses to follow the hard lines which make up the physical 
geography of this ligneous subject. Strive as I may, 
my canning pencil follows only the beautiful outline of 
my love, but alas! my unattainable love, Penelope. 
Van. Oh, come now, brace up old man ! Why do you 
give up so easily? Penelope regards you very favorably, 
and why should you mind because old Nicotini is bound 
to marry her to that titled nonentity. My Duke Cameo? 
We each have a sweetheart at Havana Flats and will do 
our best to help you circumvent old Nic. {Boys gather 



10 

up utensils and compnre their pictures.) We will concoct 

a plan that will bring things out all right for 

Faint heart never won fair lady, 

You may count us all your friends, 

And if we win by methods shady 

And realize our ends, 

You may by living cheap and frugal 

Earn matrimonial bliss conjugal; 

Cho. By living cheap and frugal 

You may dwell in bliss conjugal. 

Trio Van, Lig and Senor. 

We will aid you ! we will aid you ! 

Let no obstacle dissuade you. 
All. 

And 1^4. loved oue shall be j;5ii»:: 
'^'^ \ ^o^ur "OT^"! o^e ^'^''" ^e -j ™^^; 

{BoijH listen and retire stealthily up stage and hide in wings and 
set pieces. Take out easels, &c.) 

(Girls enter 2nd F. with baskets, hammocks, etc.) 

Our hearts are light, our spirits bright, 

So frolicsome and giddy on our holiday; 

'Tis never right from morn till night 

To always work and never play; 

We think it best to take a rest. 

And maidens all come gather round. 
(Girls spread table and sing at same time. Phil, and Ger. at 
front and sing the solo parts to each other.) 

Oar lunch we brought to this shady spot, 

We'll set our table on the ground, ah! 

Our hearts are light, our spirits bright, 

We'll feast and sing on our holiday, 

Our merry, merry holiday. 
Phil. We are happy young jiiaidens, 

So please understand 

When a bevy of girls have a frolic on hand 

They will chatter like magpies, 



11 

And must make a noise 

When they are not hampered by troublesome boys, 
Cho. By troublesome boys ! By troublesome boys! 

Oh yes we are independent of troublesome boys ! 
Philo. Cho. 

Of Masculinity, gb, we're independent 

Of all masculinity, 

There's no attractive affiuity,Never dependent* 
j^Qjjg I On poor masculinity ; 

We're independent 

No Masculinity Of all masculinity; 

Has any affinity, No, no, no, no, no, no, 

^Qj^Q 1 ' We should say not, 'm 'm 

Men are no good at all, 

We have no use No use at all, no, no, 

For men at all, No use at all, 

,,.,.,, , -.-, Masculine gender 

Mankind s no use at all, ^^ ^^^^^, ^^^^j^^ ^^g^. ^^^^ ^^ 

They are no use at all. all. 

Cho. We have no feelings tender 

For masculine gender, 

We can't see why they were created at all. 

But because its the fashion 

We foster a passion 

For men, but all the same we despise them. 

Our hearts are light, &c. 
{During closing chords girls seat ihemselves ends and rear of 
table cJotli. Phil, and Ger. at ends.) 

Phil. Oh girls, what a lovely place for a picnic and 
how hungry I am. 

Gee. Hungry ! I could eat a-a-a man! 
Phil. How fortunate all those horrid troublesome men 
are not here ! I do so love to be independent. 
Gee. Yes, it is lovely, but then how are we to get the 
hammock put up and who is going to open these cans ? 
Phil. Never mind, we can do without, and besides Van 
Browne said perhaps he could find us after he has fin- 
ished his painting lesson. After all, we are a little de- 
pendent on the horrid men. Ain't these pickles delicious? 



12 

Ger. I put them up myself. Why does Penelope seem 

so disconsolate. Give me some of that lemon cake Jingle. 

{Jingle hands cake.) Thanks. She has been moping 

along with Colorado Maduro and doesn't seem a bit 

happy nor to feel this elegant sunshine nor any of the 

gaety attending such an occasion as this, 

Phiij. She's in love, Gerry. She — Oh, she just dotes on 

Krem White, and her papa won't let her have anything 

to do with him. Isn't he horrid ? I'd like to see my 

father interfere with my Van Dyke. It wouldn't be 

healthy. 

All. I should say not ! 

Ger. Yes, and the old Nic intercepts all letters he 

writes to her, and I have heard it said that they would 

elope — 

All. No — not elope? 

Ger. Yes— elope. If he could only sell a picture and 

get money enough for a license. And they say— 

All. Go on ! 

Ger. They say that the Duke has a mortgage on her 

and she is his Fianza, chattel security for all the debts 

the old Nic owes the Duke. 

All. What! La Fianza! 

Ger. The same. 

Phel. But Krem will run away with her yet, you see 

if he don't, and won't old Nic be mad? 

All. Tearing; the nasty old thing. 

Phil. Here she comes, see how drooping she looks. 

All. Poor girl! 

Phil. Not a bit like her old lovely self. {Enter Pen, 

and Colo. 1st P E. Oirls rise.) Why Penelope what 

ails you? 

Pen. Girls, don't ever fall in love! 

Colo. For behold a living specimen. 

Girls. We never, never, never, never, never, never will 

No. 



11^ 

Pen. When a girl is in love 

All the world's upside down, 

All the universe turns round her hero; 

If he smile she's in heaven, 

But ah ! if he frown 

Her thermometer registers zero. 

And though fearful the fires 

Which she cannot control, 

Like the throes of eruptive volcano ; 

Yet the love which she bears 

Is the light of her soul, 

Tho' her life be a raging tornado ; 

Tho' her life be a raging tornado. 

Oho. Yes her life be a raging tornado, tornado. 

Pen. Oho. 

When a girl is in love Yes all the world's upside 

All the world's upside down, down; 

But ah, she's in heaven r^^^ ^^^.j^Pg ^^p^i^^ ^^^^^^ 

If he but smile; . . , - -, 

T> i. 1 1 • J.1 1 A girl IS m love; 

But dark is the hour ° 

If he frown, if he frown, ^^"^ ^^rk if he but frown. 

Her life is a raging tornado.Life is a raging tornado. 

Pen. Sad am I and desperate. 

What fears and hopes beset me; 

No more I'll doubt nor hesitate, 

Oh loved one come and get me. 

Take me love, O take me love. 

Clouds are rolling thickly; 

O take me my darling, dearest love, 

Ah, haste thee loved one quickly. 
LiG. Yes dear maiden fly with me ! 
Girls. Oh! A Tramp! A Tramp! 

(Enter students. Krem, Van. and Senor.) 
Keem. Away with him! You Vagrant! 
(Boys bounce Liq.) 

Girls. Saved 1 
All. Hurrah ! 



14 

Girls. Saved! 

Aiiii. Hurrah! 

Senojr. Why Colorado, now isn't this a lucky co-incidence 

that we should meet you all here ? 

Van. Are we too late for dinner? 

Phil. You mean thing you shan't have a bite. 

Colo. You are very welcome, gentlemen, but you are 

too late for luQch. 

Senor. Never mind ladies, we have had an excellent 

repast at the tavern but an hour since, and were it not 

for the fact that boys are always hungry we can stand it 

very well until we get back to Havana. 

{Couples wander off, leaving Krem, Pen, Lig, Senor and Colo.) 

Senok. (to Lig.) You wretch ! how dare you frighten 

these ladies in this way ? Have you no sense of decorum ? 

Lig. There you mistake me again. I am always being 

misunderstood. Here was a lovely maiden warbling her 

heart away to the unsympathetic foliage and longing for 

some reciprocal spirit to waft her gently to realms of 

Celestial confectionary, and my tender cardiacal organ 

throbbed in unison with her sacharine appeal, and I 

offered myself, humbly yet respectfully, as a gentleman 

should, and — whoosh ! I am swept away like sea-foam on 

stern ocean's bosom. Santa Ma-ree-a ! but 'twas ever 

thus. 

Senor. Incomprehensible ! 

Colo. Of all things! 

Pen. You did frighten me, but I will forgive you. It 

was but momentary, (to Krem.) I forget all wrongs 

when you are near me. 

Krem. My own! 

Senor. Confound the luck. Here comes your father, 

Penelope, across the pampas, and who is that with him ? 

Colo. My eyes deceive me or it is My Lord the Duke 

Cameo. 

Pen. If that be so, I must not be seen with you, I must 

go. Come Colorado. Farewell my dear boy. 



15 

Krem. Au revoir my darling. My picture I have sold 
and soon I will claim you as my reward. The time is 
not now long distant when our plans may be con- 
summated. 
Pen. But how? 

Kkem. I will find a way for I have the will. 
(Quartette.) 

speed thee then the happy day 
Ere my heart is worn away, 

1 will be true and thine forever, 
And forsake thee never, never, 
Thine forever, thine forever, 
And forsake thee never; 

I'll be thine and true for aye, 

Speed thee then the happy day. 
All. But away, 

They come. 
(Exit Pen. and Colo.) 
Senoe. What a duck of a woman that Senora Madura 
is. (kissen hand.) 

Krem. I fear you too have lost your heart. 
Senoe. Lost— not lost my boy, only given in keeping 
to one who will care for it most humanely. But see hera, 
why don't" you just send word to Penelope when you 
are ready, and take her whether her father says yea or 
nay? 

Krem. That's just it. But you see Senor, the old man 
always intercepts my messages, and I cannot tell her 
openly {Enter Van Srd o. p.) for some one would be sure 
to curry favor with old Nicotini and upset the best laid 
plans. 

Van* Confound girls anyway. I had just got that ham- 
mock put up when about forty of them had to pile in 
helter-skelter— and I left — I like to play that hammock 
game with only one girl. Say, you fellows don't seem to 
have any ingenuity. Here's a scheme for you. Why 
not intrust your message to the pop corn man ? 



16 
Both. The pop corn man ? Bah — Eidiculous ! 
Van. Well, why not? We will first get you all ready 
Kremmy, then write the letter {^pantomime) and there you 
are. {To Lig.) When you have once broken the ice we 
will each capture our prize and make our escape. See ! 
Krem. What a head you have got ! That's a plan that 
will work. But pop-corn how about you? 
Lig. Oh I'm agreed. More fun ! I'm with you. 
Senor. We will try it. But cofae on boys, let us put 
our paints in a safer place. {Exit Krem, Sen. and Van. ) 
Lig. I never did see such a fellow as I am to roll into 
a regular tutti frutti. Ah, ha! this must be the old gent 
they are talking of. I have seen that other chap before. 
I'll commune with nature and see what their lay is now. 
{hides.) 

(Enter Nic and Duke.) 
Duke. But I say— she won't have anything to do with 
me. 

Nic. Waow! Maledicto! 8he will come to taw — when 
I have persuaded her. 

Duke. True enough. But I feel that I never would 
know her better. 

Nic. Bah! She will be all right when I've persuaded 
her. Oaramba! man, have you not titles and riches and 
the swellest turnout on the Island V Does not all Cuba 
take off its hat to you ? Are you not the biggest toad 
in the Spanish puddle; Hey? 
Duke. Yes, I know; I-I-I — 

Nic. {ShaJiCS Duke.) Where's your backbone? One 
would think you were one of the 400. 
Duke. Well, I'll do my best. She is "La Fianza" and 
the mortgage is recorded. What do you expect to do to 
make her sweet on me ? 
Nic. Ho! you don't know me— (si?igs) 



17 

1. Wheu my daughter is unruly, 

I'll persuade her, I'm her dad; 
When she acts in ways unduly, 

I'll persuade her, I'm her dad. 
I'm the dad and she's the daughter, 
I'll persuade her that she oughter 
Take the man whom I have brought'er, 

I'll persuade her, I'm her dad. 

2, When she thinks that I'm below her, 

I'll persuade her, I'm her dad; 
And when suitors seek to know her, 

I'll persuade her, I'm her dad. 
I'll take snuff and she shall sneeze. 
And when she gets upon her knees 
For that artist; bah! to tease 

I'll persuade her, I'm her dad. 

Duke. In my love of moderation— 

Nic. I'll persuade her, I'm her dad, 

Duke. I accept the situation, — 

Nic. I'll persuade her, I'm her dad, 

Duke. For my own exalted station — 

Nic. I'll persuade her, I'm her dad. 

Duke. Kivals any in the nation ; 

I've an elegant plantation. 

Cellar full of each potation, 

Vineyards under cultivation. 

Stores of every modern ration, 

And my castle habitation 

Shows my lordly occupation, 

And if money buys salvation 

Surely I'll escape (Nic. falls over Lig.) 
Duke, Nic. and Lig. Damnation ! 

Nic. It seems I have struck a picnic. Sacremento! 

What's this! Hey? 

Lig. Fresh buttered pop corn ? 



18 

Duke. Oh ! my dear fellah — 

Nic. Popcorn! Get out — I'll pop your corns. (Kicks.) 

Waow! I've popped mine. (Lig retreats and shakes fiat.) 

Well, well, quite a picnic. I swear Duke, that is one 

of my Penelope's pies; here — taste that — taste it I say! 

She must be here. I wonder where they are all gone ? 

They must be in mischief, and it takes a father to get 

girls out of mischief. Come Duke let us find them — 

Duke. But I— 

Nic. Come on! (Exit Duke and Nic. 4th o. ^>.) 

LiG. Ah, ha! old Sleuth is on their trail. I never sleep. 

{Exit Lifj 4th o. p. Enter Krem 1st o. p.) 

Keem. Will my troubles never eud? This love is 
naught at best but a pleasant uneasiness, but yet would 
I exchange my love for aught? (sings.) 

1. A man who never felt true love 
Or knew true woman's worth, 
Has never tasted joys above 
The sordid lusts of earth; 

If he but love a maiden pure 
With heart-whole fervency, 
And if his love will all endure 
Thro' each emergency; 
E'en tho' the maiden may not be 
"Virginia" to his "Paul," 
He's nobler for his constancy 
Than ne'er to love at all ; 
He's nobler for his constancy 
Than never to have loved at all. 

(Enter Penelope timidly, 3rd o. p.) 

2. Ah, many sorrows must he feel 
When banished far is he; 

And tho' a vision may reveal 
His love's sweet purity. 
And in his dreams the maiden sees 
Midst halo of her grace, 



19 

Yet dreams are naught but vacancies, 
And ne'er may fill her place, 
Still tlio' the maiden may not be 
His own for "weal or woe,'' 
He's purer for his constancy 
Than ne'er true love to know; 
He's purer for his constancy 
Than never true love to know. 

Ah, Penel ope. {takes both hands. ) The very atmosphere 
radiates with your presence, and were it so that one who 
loves you could not sing a note otherwise, his soul, when 
thou art near, would burst with the music of the spheres, 
and change his voice from the harsh croak of carking 
raven to the dulcet melody of the thrush. 
Pen. O foolish boy ! how the glamour of love doth hide 
the blemishes of one's idol. 1 sometimes think there 
must be a sixth sense which doth apprise one of the ap- 
proach of love. I had no heart to stay midst yonder 
merry group of happy children, for my eye was ever 
watching and longing for one who was not among them, 
and —presto, here am I again, knowing full well that it 
is in direct opposition to my father's express commands. 
Krem. (bravely) Why should we fear ? Are not these 
two hands and the mental engine that gives them energy 
enlisted in your cause? Even death should not part us 
if we are but true. 

Pen. As heaven knows we are and ever will be. 
( Wander up. Enter Colo, and Senor 2nd o. p.) 

Krem. How I wish my Penelope were out from under 
the baleful glare of her father's watchful eye. He might 
be reasonable — Hush! 

OoLO. Keasonable ! He never will. I have known him 
these many years and he never was reasonable, and I 
think he is too old to begin at this late day. Especially 
as telephone stock is so very low and Penelope, my dear, 
is all the valuable collateral he still owns. 



20 

Pen. Yes — and alas, I am mortgaged. 

Krem. But, by Jupiter ! thou shalt never be foreclosed. 

iKrem and Pen seat back.) 

Senor. Thanks to the Fates, they have not been so 
cruel towards us, Senora. 

Colo. True love, Senor, must have a certain hardship 
connected with it else it would soon become insipid. 
To use a contrasting simile, cold water seems warm af- 
ter a pine apple ice, and so, if love should be intense 
from the start it would soon lose its zest, because the 
tension, after reaching its tightest notch, would in time 
lose its spring, and then how could it be tightened ? No, 
no, — No Senor, it would never do to have love without 
some seemingly insurmountable difficulty to overcome. 
Senor. (Puts ami around Colo.) But why should we 
seek trouble when there is none ? 
Colo, {struggling) Oh, there must be trouble— 
Senor. But there are no difficulties in our way, are 
there, my dear young lady? 

Colo, {^mtting him off.) Oh don't be so sure. You will 
find a large and well developed difficulty. 
Senor. I don't understand you. Where? 
Colo. Here. In me. You have acted a little too pre- 
cipitately, and my proper self-respect will not allow me 
to be won so easily. The idea! A Maduro mastered 
without one struggle. {siam2)s foot.) Never! 
Senor. (st?igs humbly.) 

Oh, obdurate maiden, I lay at your feet 

My hand and my name, my wealth and my art. 

Oh, obdurate maiden, I humbly entreat, 

Do not treat with contumely my aching heart. 

For many a year I have watched o'er your life, 

And its charms have completely imbued me; 

And I vow as I hope soon to make you my wife 

With your charms you've completely subdued me 

With your charms you've completely subdued me 



21 

CoiiO. I can't but admit, as a most candid judge, 

That most subtly yon pleaded your cause. 

But I'd have you to know, if a girl is worth fudge 

That her heart can't be pecked at by daws, 

Oh no, dear sir^ oh no , 

You'd butter your bread ere you bake it, 

You'd better desist till you make it, 

Tis dough ! dear sir, tie dough ! 

But perhaps, I'll^suggest, you might try the 

Times, 

In its columns insert advertisement: 

Wanted ! a wife who will just suit my taste 

And I'll take it under advisement, 
Senor. Oh ! obdurate maiden 
Colo. Take it under advisement. 
Sen. Oh obdurate maiden 
OoLO. Take it under advisement. 
Sen. If persursion won't answer then force I will use 
Colo. Oh hear then my answer 'twill meet with your 

views 

For I've taken it under advisement. 

i you 
C. & S. When persuasion won't answer then force ] I 

must use 
1^1 hear then | ^^y^' [ answer; 

It meets with | ^^^ I views when taken 

Colo. Under advisement. 

Sen. When taken 

Colo. Under advisement, 

Sen. Yes tak— en 

Sen. Congratulate me my dear boy ! 

Keem. Dear old friend! I do from the depths of my 

heart, (enter chorus in eou2)les)Mj dear girl! We never 

can arrange it to be alone! 

Cho. O! we'll go! 



' 22 

Kbem^ (Embraces Pe,^) Never mind! we have resolved to 
defy the world, and hve henceforward in each other's 

love, Our vows are forever plighted. 
Pek. Forever is too short. 

KuBEN. Congratulate your brother and what good 

wishes you may have, spare for me and mine. 

Krem. Spurn we thoughts of base compliance 
To the forms of law and science, 

Pen. We proclaim our love's alliance 

topite of parental defiance, 

Krem. Pen. Love's aUiance, 

Cof ; f rS^' i rT^ proclaim and may it rest so 
^^OLo.ctKuB. [ Our defiant manifesto. 
Cho. They proclaim and may it rest so 

Their defiant manifesto. 

{B?ite}^ Nic, Duke and Lig.) 

^^X f 7 ^^""^ ^^^ ^''' ^«* y^^ go^e sir! 

To Pen. And as for you, go to the refuge I have pro- 

vided you. 

I'll persuade you later on, 
Pen. Oh my father spare me this scene ! 

Ruben Explain irate sir what you mean ! 

s^'aU m.rrl r^"" ^^'^."^^ daughter,my dutiful daughter 
shaU marry the man whom 1 choose to provide. Silly 

Xo:Z '''''''''' ^^^^^^^^^ aet you gone sir^ 

Krem. One word I beg— 

Nic. Not a word shall be heard,— 

Krem. One word, one word, oh hear- 

Nic. No not a word. 

Krem. Tis the outcome of my fears 

I leave Penelope in tears, 

For behold parent cold 

Separates our love for years. 
Pen. Oh our bleeding hearts he'll sever, 



23 

Banish us apart forever. Cho. 

Nic. They proclaimed their love's alliance, Their 

Duke. Spite of parental defiance, _ dream 

Nic. But their dream of love is over, is 

Duke. They will meet, ah, never, never, o'er. 

Nic. So you think you won your lover? ah! 

Duke. They are parted now forever nev- 

Nic. This will end their brief romanza, er 

Duke. She shall be my ownfianza, more. 

Cho {- She shall be j ^^^ [ own fianza 

{Ensemble) Oft to lovers it appears, 

They are one another's dears, 

When behold parents cold 

Separate their lives for years, 

Cruel man to thus destroy 

Brightest hopes of purest joy, 

Lover's bliss without alloy; 

Cruel man to thus destroy. 

Cruel means to thus employ. 

So to lovers it appears 

T'hey are one another's dears, 

When behold, parents cold, 

Separate their love for years. 
Krem. Oft our bleeding hearts will sever 

Forever. 
Pen. Banished far apart forever, 
Nic. Never more, never more. 
Sen. They will meet never more. 
Cho. Now their dream of love is o'er, 
They will meet ah! never more. 
Yes, their dream of life is o'er, 
They will meet, ah! never more. 

Curtain. 



24 



Scene: Telephone Exchange and cigar store. 

Discover Colo, Phil, Gee. and Girls. 

ACT 11. 

Hello, hello, hello-o-o-o-o! 

Hello, hello, hello, hello, (ding) 

Smartest maidens ever known, hello ! 

Hello, hello, hello, (ding) 

Hello, hello (ding) hello, hello, hello, hello! 

Work the central telephone, hello, hello. 

Well, hello, (ding) well hello, 

Silv'ry bells so constantly are ringing 

With the tiutintiuabulation of the 

Ding, ding, ding. 

Maidens at the central all are singing 

To the tintintinabulation of the 

Ding, ding, ding, 

Thus from early morning until night we go. 

Ding hello, ding hello, ding hello, hello ding. 

Hello, ding, hello, hello, 

Operating telephones, we all, we all must know 
Ger. Hello, (Phil) Hello, 
All Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello! 

Silvery bells so constantly are ringing, 

With the tintintinabulation of the 

Ding, ding, ding, 

Maidens at the central all are singing 

To the tintintinabulation of the ding. 
Phil. No you can't have six, eight, ten. 

Line's in use, try again, 

Line's in use please try again. 
Gek. Did you get them, talk away. 
PhiL. No you can't. 
Ger. Don't be shouting like that pray. 



25 

Gee. Try again. 

Phil. I am ringing with both hands sir, 

I can't get them, they won't answer, 

I can't get them, they won't answer. 
Ger. Hello! what's that! hundred eighty six, 

Hello, hello! 

Lines are crossed and play such tricks. 
Phil. Don't you answer in that tone, 

Stand away from the microphone. 
All No you can't have six, eight, ten, 

Line's in use, try again. 

Thus from early morning until night we go. 

Don't you answer in that tone, 

Stand away from the microphone. 

Smartest maidens ever known 

Work the central telephone. 

Maidens all are keeping hands a flying 

With the tintintinabulation of the 

Ding, ding, ding. 

Thus from early morning until night we go, 

Operating telephones, we know, hello! 

Thus from early morning until night we hear 

i them calling 

With the tintintinabulation of the bells. 

Hello! hello! 
Phil. Hello ! Yes, this is central, what ! oh Van is that 
you ? Coming up to-night ? All right I have something 
to tell you. Busy are you ? Too bad about you. Well, 
call me up again, oh! well, about eight o'clock. Have 
to wash the dishes to-night. No! is that so, how much 
did he get for it ? My gracious, not the gold medal ! 
You don't say ! Well, goodbye, be sure now ! 

Girls ! Krem White has won the Academy medal and 
has got .$1,000 for his picture. 

Ger. Well girls, look out now for fun. That elopement 
will take place for sure now. 



26 

All. Sh-sh-h-h. 

Ger You see if it don't. Oh dear! {ymnns) how tired 

I am of being poor and sitttiDg (99-1^, Hello! go ahead) 

sitting here from one weeks end to another (are you 

through) pegging away without money enough to keep 

me in gloves, don't they cost though ! (660-2 on San 

Domingo, Jingle) and I won't stand it much longer. So 

there ! 

All. What are you going to do about it? 

Ger. I'll strike! that's what I'll do, I can make more 

money rolling cigarettes. 

Phil. We are miserably paid here and I wish T were 

dead! 

Oh my ! Girls let us strike! 

All. All right ! when ? 

Phil. Now! this very minute! that's when. 

All. It's a go! {come down) 

Phil. Now who will buy our dresses and hats ? 

OoLO. {Comes front) Listea to me girls, perhaps I 

can aid you. 

All, You, Colorado? 

Phil. Are you rich? 

Colo. Don't scorn my plan till you have heard it. I 

have thought for a long time for some way to assist you 

girls, you have had to work bO hard for so little pay, and 

last night it came to me in a dream. 

All. a dream ? 

Colo. Yes, a dream, listen. 

Colo. My father was a buccaneer, 

My Uncle was a Turk, 
• All. Turk! Turk! 

Colo. My grandsire was an auctioneer, 

My brother was his clerk. 
All Clerk! Clerk! 

Colo. They formed a trust to render oil, 

To can sardines that would not spoil, 

They all got rich by patient toil. 



27 
All. How wonderfully wonderful her dream! 

Colo. They dealt in Dresden pottery, 

And gnm-arabic wax. 
All. Wax! wax! 

Colo. They founded then a lottery, 

And never paid a tax. 
All. Tax! tax! 

Colo. They buried deep out of sight, 

The prizes, now that wasn't right, 
But the four men murdered were that night. 
All. How horribly horrible her dream ! 

Colo. Last night appeared my father's ghost, 

And told me where to dig. 
All. Where to dig ! 

Colo. "I'm doomed my dear," said he, "to roast, 

I'm spitted like a pig." 
All. Like a pig! 

Colo. "Oh set me free, 'tis fearful hot, 
Go dig in old Nic's garden lot, 
But tell no man the favored spot." 
All. But tell no man! how fortunately, 

Colo. "Ah ! tell no man my dream," 
All. Fortunate her dream, 

How fortunately fortunate her dream. 
Phil, {to Oolo.) Yes, but if nobody dares find them 
what good will it do us? He said you were to tell no 
man where they are hid. 

Colo. Ah! so he did, but you will observe that he said 
not to reveal to any man the secret and that doesn't 
mean (jirls^ does it ? 
Phil. Oh ! that's different ! 
Gee. Girls if any of you are a man, clear out! 
Colo, So, as I am a little timid, I am afraid that this 
uncanny spirit would visit me nightly, should I seek the 
treasure mvself. So, girls, make haste for you may be 
intercepted if old Nic finds you grubbing m his garden. 



28 

Phil. Well, we c^n't dig with our fingers, that's clear? 
CoiiO. No indeed, but can't you find something to 
answer for pick and shovel? 
Phil. Oh, I know ! girls ! 

All. {all gather round and 'mliUper, then scamper away 
and bring ornamental shovels) How perfectly lovely! 
Colo, (girls return) Why girls, where on earth did you 
get all those beautiful shovels? 
GiELS. Christmas gifts! 

Colo. You don't mean to say those things were given 
to you? 

Phil. Oh my, no! the idea! 
Colo. Well then, what ? 

Gek. Well then, if you must know, we girls last Christ- 
mas started to decorate these things and — 
Colo. Well? 

All. {sotto voce) We didn't get them done. 
Gek. {starts for door, folloioed by all) Just so, come on 
girls. 

Colo. Girls ! don't go out like a flock of sheep, but 
have some one elected leader. Phil, you lead, and Gerry, 
suppose you be left guide. 
All. Go ahead Phil ! 

Phil. First then ! fall in ! right, face ! right, dress ! front ! 
Attention to roll call ! 
{Introduction of march) Mark time! 

{After march girls go off to garden, Colo, retires behind 
counter.) 

{Enter Krem White in cloak and disguise.) 
Keem. {aside) In the very house ! perhaps in the very 
next room! oh foolish heart to so wildly throb at the bare 
possibility of seeing her face! 

{to Colo) A segar, senora. Too mild, a stronger one. 
{aside) How my hand trembles and what a quaver in my 
voice. No wonder she does not recognize me, 1 hardly 
do myself. 



29 

CoiiO. {afiide) The foolish boy! how imprudent! I would 
know him anywhere, {aloud) You seem fatigued, {hands 
chair) Will you not rest a moment? 

Keem. .Thanks! no, I must be off. {aside) Oh idiot! 
should old Nicotini return could I contain myself? I 
must away! Ha! another! Can he too be in pursuit of 
Penelope ? Perish the thought, I'll wait and see. 

{Enter Van B. {street) also in disguise, Krem retires) 
Van D. {to Goto.) Cigarette please, Ah Colorado, I see 
that you know me but don't give it away. I came to find 
Krem White who is out of his head to-night, caused by 
a surplusage of the amour tender. Have you seen him ? 

{Colo, nods toioard Krem,) {exit Colo.) 
Krem. (asi(?e) I fear I am discovered. Oh! this love! 
this love ! 

Van I>. {aside) Dash it all, he'll ruin all his plans; why 
did he come here? {crosses to Krem) Pardon Senor, I am 
looking for an escaped lunatic. 

Kkem. {Gruffly without shoicing face) Well, move on, he's 
not here. 

Van D. I am not so sure of that {skqjs Mm on back) Old 
boy ! you are discovered and but for me, would be in 
jeopardy. Look here old man, what did you come here 
for? Can't you keep away for an hour? Oh! this love 
is a terror. 

Krem. {(jrasps his hand) It's no use Van, I've got it bad 
I'm drawn with an irresistible impulse to be near her, 
I can't help it. 

Van. Ho! I thought so, and I am here to keep you from 
getting your foot in it. You must have it bad. 
Krem. {sings) 

When love once enraptures a man's foolish brain, 

It's bound to entrance. 

And lead him a dance. 

He cannot resist its infection, that's plain, 

It is bound to enslave 

A nature most brave. 



30 



A most potent power will draw him away, 
To the spot where his loved one is wont to estray, 
And reason nor rhyme in vain may reprove, 
He is drawn to the haunts and abode of his loVe. 
Van. Oh ho! foolish lover you're blind it is said, 
Stone blind (never mind) 
Ah ! sad to be blind . 
And the best of good plans 
You will knock in the head, 
Stone blind it is said, 
You had better be dead. 

But thanks to the friend of your bosom, old boy ! 
You'll be saved spite of all, you are bound to enjoy 
The rapture of bliss, when the maiden you wed, 
And you're saved by your friends 
Though you're blind it is said. 
Keem. Stone blind ! am I blind 

As bad as all that? 
Van. Stone blind, never mind, 
You're as blind as a bat. 
Kkem. But no one would know me, 

See this my disguise! 
Van. Like an ostrich with his head 
In the sand to his eyes. 
Ho! ho! a surprise, 
Oh what a disguise! 
Krem, Come ! oh come now, no joking, 
At me fun you are poking. 
Van. 
Here you are a foolish lover, 



Krem. 

At me poking. 

With love I'm stifling 

In agonies and in 

No mood for trifling. 

You discover 

My poor disguise. 



Foolish lover in agonies, 
Thinking no one 
Would discover, 
Would discover 
Your poor disguise. 
Your poor disguise. 



31 

Both. When love once enraptures a man's foolish brain, 
It is bound to entrance and lead him a dance. 
He cannot resist its infection, that's plain, 
It is bound to enslave, 
A nature most brave. 

A most potent power will draw him away, 
To the spot where his loved one is wont to estray. 
And reason and rhyme in vain may reprove, 
He is drawn to the haunts and abode of his love 

{Enter Colo.) 

Colo. Boys ! 

{Exit hoys, street.) {Eater Nic. and Pen., House) {Exit 
Golo.^ House.') 

Pen. But father you would not have me marry a man 
that I cannot love, nor even respect? 
Nic. My daughter, the Duke is a great man and of 
good character. He owns large tobacco plantations, and 
I am much in debt to him. I have turned him over tele- 
phone stock but he has discovered its depreciated value 
and I had to give him the mortgage, and now I see no 
other way but you must become his bride. 
Pen. But father! 
Nic. Don't but me, for 

The Duke's a great and glorious man. 

Who leads me by the halter. 

And so we've formed a little plan 

To lead you to the altar. 

To lead you to the altar. 

The altar,— What! • 
Pen. I can't, I can't obey, I can't, I can't obey, oh no! 
Nic, You can't ! 
Pen. I can't, I can't obey. 

Nic. You most obey, you must obey, I say you must 
obey. 

The Duke's a great and glorious man, 

Who leads me by the halter. 



32 

Pen. I can't, I can't obey, I can't obey. 
Nic. And so we've formed a little plan 

To lead you to the altar, 

To lead you to the altar, the altar. 
Pen. I can't obey, I can't obey ! 
Nic. You must you, you shall ! 
Pen. I can't obey, I can't obey, I can't obey. | 

Nic. Obey! you shall obey, you must obey. j 

{going out.) I 

Nic. What's that! don't talk back to me! ' 

{Exit.) 
Pen. {Th7'ows heraelf down on lower steps.) 

Pity my helpless hopeless condition. 

Grant me the strength to withstand this test, 
Angels in Heaven heed my petition. 

Bring to my arms the one I love best. 
Save me, my loved one, from this perdition. 
Bear me away on thy bosom to rest. 
{Re-enter Nic. icith sJioes, hat and coat, Pen. rises to meet 
him.) 

Nic. {Coming down lights a cigar.) 

The Duke's a great and glorious man, 

Who leads me by the halter. 

And so we've formed — y 

Pen. Oh father! oh father! hear me! . i, 

I am your true and loving child, ^1 

And all that a daughter signifies. 

Oh father ! do not drive me wild. 

But spare me these indignities. 
Pen. Nic. 

spare me, I can't, The Duke's a great 

1 can't obey. [tie plan And glorious man. 
Oh don't pursue your lit- And I'll pursue 
To lead me to the altar, My little plan, 
I am your true To lead you to the altar. 
And lovng child, The Duke's a great 
Your dear and only daught'rAnd glorious man, 



33 

Oh father do not Who leads me by the halter, 

Drive me wild. So we have formed 

Nor lead me to the altar. A little .plan, 

The altar, To lead you to the altar, ., 

I can't obey, The altar, 

Tho' I'm your true You must obey, 

And loving child, Oh I'll pursue my little plan 

I can't obey, You must obey, 

I can't; I say, You must obey, 

I can't, I can't obey. You must obey, obey, 

{Penelope overcome, seats herself at desk and puts head in 
arms.) 

Nic. (aside) I thought I could persuade her. (enter 
Colo.) (aloud) Colorado Maduro where are the young 
ladies ? 

Colo. They have gone out on a strike. 
Nic. Well ! well ! more spunk than I had given them 
credit for. Did you cash their time checks ? 
Colo. No sir! they have not demanded their pay. 
Nic. 'Tis well, they will never get it now and I am so 
much ahead. Struck have they ! well well! However, 
the dear public need never know the difference. No one 
could ever talk over the lines anyway, and I'll rig up an 
automatic bell ringer and no doubt I can run it for a 
year or so, before the public finds out there is no central 
office. So much the more for me, so much the more for 
me. 

Well Penelope, I'm going to the Dake's on this matri- 
monial matter and remember, what I say, goes. Any 
customers to-night Colorado ? 
Colo. Not many, (exit Colo.) 

Nic. Well, I guess I'll close up and bring in the sign, 
I dare not leave it outside because the boys will insist 
upon painting it red. (enter Duke) Ah! Duke, just in 
time to help me close up 

Duke. Ah, indeed ! where have you been so long ? I 
have been waiting with my attorney for nearly an hour. 



34 

Nic. Sorry, I'm sare, but I had a little persuading to 

do. 

Duke. I see; but no trifling with me, did you succeed? 

Nic. Behold the result. 

Duke. I hope you have been successful, for I came 

to remind you of the terms of our mortgage. It is due 

to-day, and if the money is not paid, La Fianza becomes 

mine without reserve. 

Nic Let me see the document. 

{Duke hands 2)a2)er, Nic. reads.) 
Duke, {to Pen.) Ah, my dear young lady, I hope you 
are to be kinder to me in the future, now that we are to 
be placed in — in — juxtaposition, he— he — as it were. {Pen 
waves him away) No ! {aside) I thought you said that you 
would persuade her ? 

Nic. Tut! tut! don't you see that she is overcome by my 
persuasions? Let her alone until she gets used to the 
idea, she will come out all right, {aloud) She was born 
to be happy in the love of a great and noble man. {salaam) 
Pen. {aside) Grant it may be so ! 

Duke. However, have you the money to liquidate the 
claim? {points to mortgage,) 
Nic. H'm, well, no, not money exactly. 
Duke. It is money exactly, I want, or — {waves to Pen.) 
Nic. Let us see, {reads) "This indenture made and enter- 
ed into Nicolini Nicotini, party of the first part — Duke 
Miguel Cameo Montebello party of the second part. 
Habana Cuba-goods, wares and merchandise, — and does 
sell, set over, and convey chattel La Fianza, which is, 
namely, wiz : one female daughter, aged eighteen, good? 
solid, warranted sound and kind, weight about 120 
pounds, avoirdupois; good complexion, brunette, nervous 
temperament, gold filling in one molar, otherwise in 
good fair condition and health, answers to name Pene- 
lope, to have and to hold &c. etceteras."{fiands back paper) 
Guess you have got me, and the chattel will have to go. 



35 

We will go out and fiad a notary, and I will transfer 
property and title peaceably. Wait till I bring in the 
sign, {exit Nic.) 

Duke. My dear Penelope— Senorita — might I call you 
d-a-r-ling ? I will treat you kindly Senorita. 

Senorita! Senorita! 

Might I call you darling, pet? 

Dry your eyes and calm your weeping. 

See, your cheeks with tears are wet. 

I will be your faithful lover, 

Ope' your tender loving eyes, 

Give me hope, my Senorita, 

Deep in my heart your image lies, 

I'm a very desirable parti, 

Irreproachable, I may say, 

And I'll treat you like an Empress, 

And at your feet my fortune lay. 

I'm the Don Bolero Cameo, 

I'm a Spanish Duke, Grandee, 

And my income is enormous, 

I can't spend it, possibly. 

You are poor and so's your father, 

I can clear him from all debt^ 

Come and dwell within my castle. 

Darling we'll be happy yefc. 

Who could make a better husband ? 

Darling come and dwell with me, 

I'm the Don Bolero Cameo, 

I'm a Spanish Duke Grandee, 
Senorita ! 

I'm a Spanish Duke Grandee. 
{Enter Nic. pushing Lig., disguised as Indian, on pedestal.) 
Duke. May the thunderbolt of Jove strike me — {Lig. is 
sJioved against Duke) Santa Mareea! Sacre! 

Caramba ! Tuscaloosa ! Tolara ! Padre Nicotini if that is a 
sample of my future father-in-law, I think I'll have a 



36 

divorce ere it is too late {aside) I'd lick him if I dared, 
{aloud) You old pirate. 

Nic. Beg pardon for runoing into you in that ^careless 
manner, but the sign got a little the best of me, 'pon 
honor I intended no harm, {shake hands stiffly) 
Ddke. {aside) I'm mad but I darent show it. {tJie old 
man kicks off slippers and puts on shoes, ties shoe icith 
foot on pedestal. Duke addresses Pen.^ It strikes me — 
{Lig. strikes Nic.) 

Nio. {mock politeness) Wow! it strikes me too! So you 
think you're even ? {aside) Wish I dared to lick him. 
See liere young man! don't you get too familiar or you 
might possibly breed contempt, {aside) That was a sting- 
er! Wait till I get him into the family, won't I persuade 
him? 

Duke, {aside to Nic.) Say papa, why don't you do 
something with that girl, so she will speak to me ? 
Nic. {still mad) Why don't you do your own courting? 
Oaramba, you havn't the spunk of an armadillo! Hoh ! 
getting an old man to do your sparking. When I was a 
young man — 

Duke. You talk a good deal with your mouth, but I 
don't believe you had any more courage, especially, 
when your prospective bride treated you so contemptous- 
ly. Its all right for you to talk at this late day, and 
besides you had to ask your wife, while I have to ask a 
girl who is an entire stranger. 

Nic. My wife was proud to know me, for I was a great 
catch when I was young. 

Duke. Crow now, crow, old Bill Jones is dead and so 
you can't prove it, so crow will ye, crow ! 
Nic. In my day I was the bravest of the brave, and as 
a Matador I captured all the ladies of Cadiz. 
Duke. Hoh! crow will ye, what did you ever do? 
Nic. {takes sword from Duke.) Do! you snipe! gimme 
that sword! {snatches table cloth from under Pen.) Gimme 



37 

that! Caramba! I was a Matador! I was a bigger man 

in Cadiz than Sullivan. 

Duke. Oh crow, will ye, crow now, what did you ever 

do? 

{Nic paces up and doion with drawn sword and Duke sits 
on stairs.) 
Nic. (sings) Oh days of my youth! I am young again! 

Oh Matador! the Matador! 

With steady eye and dexterous arm. 

Who seeks the bloody ruthless war, 

With crazy beast without alarm ? 

Oh who so quick, and who so brave, 

To rescue hapless picador ? 

Whose mighty arm is there to save? 

Whose mighty arm is there to save ? 

To rescue hapless picador ? 

Oh Matador! 

Brave Matador! 

To thee arena's king! 

Oh Matador, brave Matador, 

With coolest head and wondrous skill, 

With coolest head and wondrous skill, 

Thou turnest ev'ry charge at will, 

Thou turnest ev'ry charge at will, 

Hail ! hail to thee. 

Hail ! hail to thee, 

All hail! 

Hail to thee brave Matador, 

All hail to thee brave Matador. 

Ah let me at him ! waow ! 

Oh raging beast with charging horn. 
When horse and man doth flee for life. 
Who laughs thy frenzied rage to scorn? 
Who teaches thee the art of strife ? 
When maddened beast doth charge and foam 
And paw the ground with hideous roar. 



Whose lunging sword is driven home ? 

Whose lunging sword is driven home ? 

My Matador, brave Matador, 

Oh Matador! 

Brave Matador ! 

To thee arena's king. &c. 
There, boy, that's the kind of a man I was. Take your 
sword, though I don't see what use you have for it 
without any back -bone to wield it! Here Cameo, help me 
into this coat ; thanks, now we are off. Lock the door 
Penelope and I don't want to catch that artist fellow 
here or it will go hard with him. Goodbye little one, I 
will not be gone long, {to Duke) How that child adores 
her papa. 
Duke, {kissing Mnd) Farewell my inamorata. 

{Exit both) 
Pen. {raises head, shuddering) Ugh ! he is gone. How I 
detest him! 

Oh! my heart is sorrow laden, 

I love too well for any maiden, 

My father must be satisfied, 

Whatever evil may betide. 

Can I permit the Duke's caresses, 

When my heart my love confesses 

For my laddie, true is he, 

Holy love I sigh for thee, 

Holy love I sigh for thee, 

For my love is true to me. 
LiG. Tra la la tra la la lee. 
Pen. What's that voice so strange I hear? 
LiG. Tra la la tra la la lee. 
Pen. Guilty conscience tis I fear, 
LiG. Tra la la tra la la lee, 

Trembling maiden list to me, 

Fearful spectre though I be. 
Pen. Has my trouble so bereft me ? 

Has my reason really left me ? 



39 

LiG. No your trouble's not bereft you. 
Pen. No my reason has not left me, 

No my trouble has not bereft me. 
LiG. No your trouble has not bereft you. 
Pen. No my reason has not left me. 
LiG. No your reason has not left you. 
Pen. Am I dreaming? Is not this our sign come to 
life? Am I crazy? Oh, ye gods! has my reason left 
me? 

LiG. Fear nothing my child, I am the pop-corn man 
who comes with welcome news. 
Pen. From Kremnitz ? 

LiG. Even so. Here is his missive, written in his own 
original chirography. {hands letter) 
Pen. {tearing open letter) At last ! at last ! and none too 
soon for when ray father returns I will be compelled to 
give myself to another. 
LiG. But forbear and read the message. 
Pen. "My own sweet girl, Penelope" 
(kisses letter) The dear boy ! 

''Prepare this night to fly with me, 

My picture, darling, I have sold, 

I too have won the medal gold. 

When music plays outside your door, 

I'll claim you love, forevermore, 

Oh love, be ready for our flight, 

I'll be there soon. 

Your 

Kremnitz White. 
{Coming front) 

The happy day has come at last, 

Altho' the sky's been overcast, 

My joyful heart is now in tune 

With sweetest summer songs of June. 
LiG. But my dear young lady, you should get a few 
necessaries together for your hasty departure. Time 
is flying. 



40 

Pen. {going) I know! I know! but oh how happy I ami 
and how much I owe you for your devoted service, you 
dear old homely thing! (rusJies back a?id hugs Lig) My 
heart owes its joy to you. 

Lig. Oh paradise ! oh paradise ! but away ! (exit Pen.) 
Paradise lost! (yawns) Wa-ou-oo! whew! I'm tired, 
guess I'll retire. 
(sings.) 

Now droops the drowsy head, 

Night's mantle now is spread 

Angels flit round thy head, ^ j 

Sleep, dar]ing, sleep. 1 

And in the evening shade. 

Be all thy fears allayed, 

Darling be not afraid, 

Guard I will keep, 

Darling be not afraid. 

Sleep, darling, sleep. 

Peaceful in slumber land. 
Now rest with angel band, 
Sleep is a blessing grand, 
Sleep, darling, sleep. 
Now the long day is done. 
Slumber thine eye has won, 
Rest till to-morrow's sun. 
In slumber deep. 
Rest till to-morrow's sun, 
Sleep, darling, sleep. 
(Lig. dances.) 

Colo, (enter Colo.) I cannot seem to see, I'm confused j 
Is my brain turned ? I'm dazed ! The Indian alive and 
dancing! oh horrible! 

Lig. (stops dancing) Your humble servant! be assured 
you are in your proper senses, I am alive, yes, the pic- 
tjire of a father bulldozing a sweet young maiden is 



41 

a sight to stir up the blood of even ti wooden Indian and 
drive him to driuk. But I am here for a purpose, I have 
a message for you from Seuor Rubens. 
Colo. Oh ! dear old Rubens ! 

LiG. {tragically) He said— he said — he said-- he 
said — 

Colo. He said? 

LiG. He said— {strikes attitude) Tell her she is ever 
present in me heart, in me mind, in me soul, in me 
dreams. This very night will I claim me love, and will 
start h"fe anew! 

Colo. Did he say that? When will he come? Oh 
when? 

LiG. Plunkety plunk! when the music plays, he will be 
here. The boys are all coming to back up their friends, 
and I suspect, to feather their own nests. 
LiG. Hark ! someone comes ! 
Colo. I must go! {exit Colo.) 

{Lig. dances fandango.) 
{Enter girls in haughty positions holdiug lott&ry tickets) 
{Lig. gets on Pedestal.) 
Cho. Transformed we from children naughty. 

From children naughty. 

Into ladies stately, ladies stately, 

Proud and haughty. 

Such the power which bewitches, 

When you're conscious of great riches, 

Such the power which bewitches. 

When you're conscious of great riches. 

But a truce to the stilted 

Automatic style. 

Of aristocratic petrifaction, 

We'll rejoice and at once, 

Our students will beguile. 

And will marry to our satisfaction. 

Away to our impecunious beaux, 

'Tis leap year and so Ave must propose, 



42 

To accept us for our wealth, 
Now, perhaps they will not be averse, 
For wealth is mighty and it must prevail, 
And they might do very much worse. 
{Enter Oolo.) 
Girls. Oh Colorado, you dear old thing ! Oh Color- 
ado, you should have seen us ! Oh Colorado we found 
them just as you dreamed. We went into the garden 
just as you dreamed, and Phil, fell over an ash barrel, 
and Geraldine stubbed her toe, and we had a fearful 
time &c., &c. 
CoiiO. {stamiis foot) Girls ! 

(Girls strike a listening attitude, mandolins and guitars 
outside, serenade.) 

Boys Cho. We will softly sing 'neath the evening sky, 
Of the twilight's sweet repose, 
When nature sings her lullaby, 
And daylights eyelids close, 
Q'rtette To the mill that's hushed. 
To the lab'rers rest, 
To the fading evening light. 
To the tender heart 
Whose love's confessed. 
We will sing in gathering night, 
Cho. We will sing of home and cheery lights. 

Of friends and sweet-hearts dear. 
Our serenade each voice unites, 
As the twinkling stars appear. 
{Enter Fen.) 
Pen. 'Tis the signal Colorado, 

We will fly for El Dorado. 
{Lig. opens door, enter Students group in pairs) 
FuiiiiCno. Passion sublime, 
In lyric rhyme, 
Receive our invocation. 
Love true as steel, 
Our hearts reveal, 



43 ' 

Oh bless this visitation. 
Each heart doth beat, 
As thus we meet, 
With love beyond revealing. 
And o'er each one 
Thy benison 

In twilight now is stealing. 
Krem. My darling ! I have won you at last. My efforts 
have been crowned with success. See here is my medal 
and here is my bank book ! 

Pen. I need not tell you that they do not make your 
love more sweet, but oh, they are such pleasant adjuncts. 

{Enter Nic. and Duke) 
Nic. Just in time! ah ha! I know your tricks ungrate- 
ful daughter! {attempts to separate lovers hut is prevented 
hy Lig.) Away you knave, how dare you ! What ! you 
defy me in my own house! Duke, help me. 
Duke. What can I do ? 

{Lig. grabs Duke) 
What manner of amphibiaii is this in the guise of an 
Indian? Unhand me you scoundrel! I will have you 
incarcerated in our vilest dungeon. 

Lig. {hauls him forward.) Silence! After many years 
I have unearthed a vile den of thieves and pirates. 
You! my dandy aristocratic fellow. 
Whose wont it is to damn me so. 
Are the famous pirate Kidd de Montebello, 
And a bogus lord my Duke Cameo, 
ALii. Oh the rogue is 

Only bogus. 
Duke. Against your charges I protest, 
'Twixt you and me 'tis war I see, 
I'll not submit to your arrest 
Unless you show authority. 
Lig. {taking out domynent) Hear ye! hear ye! In my 
hands I hold Royal Extradition papers. They are to the 
following effect in the pui-est Spanish Latin : 



44 

To alia Coppa, 

Habana Cubaniiaa. 
Greetissimo: 

Senor de Moutebello piraticus jumpet country 
attachio several portable chattella. Skipiunda Septimus 
A.D, post mortum katchon puttem ina kalaboosa. 
Letta non gilty mana skapio, 

DoD Carlos. 
There, ladies and gentlemen^ are my credentials, and I 
have tracked this double-dyed villian to this, his thirty - 
eighth lair, and, old man, he has a legal wife in each of 
said lairs. 

All, Married thirty-eight times! Oh you lecherous, 
treacherous villian ! 

Nic, But let me understand, who are you ? 
LiG. {seizing Geraldina's apron and wiping Ms face) I? 
Behold in me author of the Pinkerton Detective stories ! 
I need no further recommendation. 
Nic. Which is Q. 1). 
LiG. Come again! 
Nic. Quite different. 
All. Oh! 

Nic, Well Duke, it looks pretty bad for you. As it is the 
pleasant present prevalent custom, our Spanish govern- 
ment makes it a point to confiscate all property of crimi- 
nals when they are hung. If they didn't it might be a good 
plan to arrange matters so that Penelope might be your 
widow, for no doubt they will hang you, and I need not 
add that a pledge given to a criminal is void ^>dr se, so 
that you can no longer claim La Fiauza. 
Duke. But I am not convicted ! 

Sen. All the same thing, our government never misses 
a chance to hang a man. 

Nic. Then you will excuse me Duke, if 1 make no 
further overtures with you for the hand of my daughter. 
Krem. 1 beg your pardon, sir — 
Nic. Oh don't mention it — 



45 

Krbm. Here sir ; this medal I have won from the acad- 
emy for the finest picture in the exhibition. 
Nic. Stop, stop, now stop ! Don't you know young man 
that love cannot graze on medals? That soup and fish 
can be obtained but to a limited degree, on medals. 
Krem. Too well, my dear sir; if it were not for the fact 
that the picture sold for ten thousand dollars, I would 
not ask you. (Jiands bank book.) 

Nic. There, there, don't ask me, she is your's in advance ; 
Penelope ! I have always been a good father to you ? 
Pen. Well — yes. 

Nic. It pains me to ask you to make this sacrifice, but 
do you think you can give up the idea of being a I)uch- 
ess and bring yourself to forget the Duke, whom you 
have loved so dearly. 
Pen. Try me ! But no nonsense now. 
{To Krem.) {embrace) My heart has always been yours, 
my noble boy. 

Colo, {to Ruben)' And mine yours. 
Phil, {to Van D.) And mine yours. 
Ger. {to Liy.) And mine yours. 
Pen. And I ask my father's blessing. 
Nic. Job lot ! Duke look at 'em. {takes handkercliief) 
Weil here goes: {overcome) Bless you my children, bless 
you! 

FINALE. 
Pen. When joy is the most unexpected. 

And bliss out of joint and neglected. 
Then something or other is bound to occur, 
And our grievances change into joy. 
Pen.& \ We never should care for the morrow, 
Krem f No trouble or pain we should borrow. 
For all can be cured. 
If it's only endured, 
And oar troubles merely bubbles coy. 



46 

Sen. Did you ever see such strange things ? 

From the chaos and darkness of Plutonic night, 

What imp of dark, 

Is to imp o' light suddenly turned ? 
Colo. How peculiarly strange that parents, 

Will change their minds, 

When the cash is in 

Son-in-law's 

Pocket-book, 

And fairly is earned. 
Cho. Did you ever see such strange tnings? 

From the chaos and darkness of Plutonic night 

What imp of dark. 

Is to imp o' light suddenly turned. 

Is it not strange that parents. 

Will change their minds; 

Perseverenoe will conquer all. 

And true love will triumph 

Over every obstacle. 

Keem ) Hurrah! hurrah for Cupid, 
Pen. V The God of love! hurrah! 
Cho. ) His plans never are stupid, 

He is king of hearts, 

His will is ever our law. 

Coij.& / Plans conjugal ! 
Van. ) Plans conjugal! 

Nic. Tho' I am but a lover's papa. 
Papa, papa; 
My son-in-law 
Is rich; oh! ho, ho! 
Oh ho! 
How rich is 
My son-in-law. 



47 



Ensemble 

Then hurrah! hurrah! for Cupid; 

The god of love ! hurrah! 

Let the banner of Cupid 

Be proudly displayed; 

And hurrah for the lover, 

Who winneth the maid; 

For Cupid's mandates are law, 

Love is our law, 

Cupid is king, 

Love is our law. 

CURTAIN. 



W. J. DVEt^ & BtJO. 

LARGEST MUSIC HOUSE OF THE NORTHWEST! 

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